He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
