Pappa wants mamma naked
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
