there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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