Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I touched a dick in church today
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
