my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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