My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
