Taylor Swift is so right about you.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Randomize
