Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
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