I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
