New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Randomize
