Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
