i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
