Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
