my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Randomize
