I CAN MOONWALK!
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
