$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Randomize
