the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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