Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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