He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
You took a bar mat shot.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
