I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
