I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
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