My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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