I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Randomize
