puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
