Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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