I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
you told grandpa to call you daddy
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
He? As in you personified your dick?
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
