11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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