just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
so let's talk penis.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
COCAINE IS GR8
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
