and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
