I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Randomize
