he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
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