You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
stop calling my apartment porn island.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future�
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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