I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
