last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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