His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Randomize
