can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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