I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Randomize
