On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
