I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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