Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Randomize
