I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
