is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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