so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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