Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
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