Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
