who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Randomize
