I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
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