I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
