just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
whose parrot is this?
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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