Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
