he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
