totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
