Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
